I began this blog in the fall of 2010. I had almost completed my 200 Yoga Teacher Training in Austin, Texas and had started a 300 hour Yoga Teacher Training at Tel Aviv University. I believe if you read through the initial blog posts, you will sense the dedication I have to yoga and the inspiration it brings in my life. I was writing frequently and committed to sharing my thoughts and reflections about the yoga journey.
And then something happened that brought a deep crack into my life. Actually, it was more like Humpty Dumpty:
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again
In truth, I didn’t just crack; my entire foundation fell out from under me. The inner floor I had been standing on my whole life just gave way and left a huge abyss inside. I felt completely exposed, vulnerable and afraid. Like the wounded animal that goes off and hides while he heals, I too didn’t want anyone close to me.
The following two years were really rough. I jumped around looking for a place that felt safe. What I found, though, is that when you lose your inner solidity, no place feels safe!
And then, two years later, I felt it return. I felt it physically in my belly just as I felt it when it disappeared. I also noticed immediately that what was forming inside of me was not what had fallen out two years before. It was very very different.
And then I understood.
Who Are We Really?
The inner solidity I had up to the break wasn’t real; it was dependent on things, shoulds, rules and religious obligation, of doing things to be approved and accepted. The new solidity that formed two years later just WAS. It had no agenda, no reason for being, no need to be or do anything, no need to be accepted or approved. Just an inner solidity that said, “You are here and it’s okay just to be you.”
And with that I was free from a lifetime of striving. I no longer needed to do something great or earn my right to be here. I was and that was it.
And isn’t that who we really are anyway? Simply BEING AND PRESENCE. Yes, we do many things in our lifetimes but we are not what we do, nor does what we do validate our existence. Our existence is validated because we are HERE.
And So I Start Again
On a different foundation. Not just my life but Notes on Yoga. I write in the brief bio that appears at the bottom of each blog post:
Yoga is to me the most sublime, the most profound spiritual practice I’ve ever encountered — a practice that brings us home to ourselves and to our individual path in life.
Yoga continues to peel away the layers I’ve built around my heart, so that I can be more authentically myself. How can I not share this? Don’t we all long to be free from false obligation and to be at peace with who we most deeply are, to shed the masks, and to stand in all our authenticity?
Yes. And our becoming real helps others become real. And when I am me and you are you, our engagement and connections are real.
And Real is REALLY GOOD.
Even when it cracks us open and leaves us broken temporarily.